I’m usually what would be classed as a ‘nice’ person. I’m generally polite. I like interacting with other people. I work hard to build rapport with people. I listen attentively (well most of the time). I endeavour to have empathy for others. I often choose my words carefully.
And I’m aware of situations where my emotions have the potential to get the better of me.
Just occasionally I meet another person that can bring out the worst in me. I become Mrs ‘I can never agree with you on anything’. I showed this off to perfection the other day when we had a person in the house who’s not someone I like to be around.
Everything this person says I’m on a mission to disagree with. Even if they’re right. Oh your garden looks lovely. No it doesn’t, it’s a mess.
Everything they do, I have to say is not how I would have done it. Why did they have to move the chair to that stupid spot on the terrace.
Everything they wear, I have to say is not what I would wear. Well, transparent pale pink linen skirts with granny knickers showing through underneath don’t even look good on supermodels.
Everything they like, I have to say I dislike. Intensely. Even if it’s something I actually like. Oh this song is so good. No, it’s bloody rubbish.
The words just keep on boiling out of my mouth…
I can’t mirror or match anything about the person. I become a huge mismatcher. I feel the need to be different to the person I don’t like. I need to feel nothing is the same… My perception of the situation affects my thinking and that in turn affects my body and my behaviour.
Mismatching can be useful – in fact we all use it. For example. We adopt different patterns of behaviour. i.e. we go from matching to mismatching, to another person to break rapport. Such that we can then redirect, interrupt or end a meeting or conversation.
But in the situation I just outlined it can be extremely negative. You could allow your emotional reaction to the person to control your behaviour.
So what’s the solution?
First, be aware when your perception of a person triggers a strong reaction.
Acknowledge that that reaction will affect your emotional state, your physiology and ultimately your behaviour.
Take responsibility to change your thinking. Who’s in control of your thinking, your emotional state, your physiology and your behaviour?
Match, mirror, build rapport and influence them to do whatever you wish. You don’t have to like them to build rapport. You just have to bite the bullet and be like them.
And if all else fails…. bite your bloody tongue!
What kind of person gets a reaction out of you?! How do you take control?
HAVE YOUR SAY Collaboration is all about working with other people. Why does that sometimes seem to be so hard to do and create so much stress? Go and take our 2 minute survey on collaboration – just click here.
© Jacqui Gatehouse and GATEHOUSE THIRTEEN, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jacqui Gatehouse and GATEHOUSE THIRTEEN with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
- More than 100 people have done it. Why haven’t you? (gatehouse13.com)
- Stress Busting: 5 Top NLP Tips (gatehouse13.com)
- Leadership and Emotions (inc.com)
- standing up for ourselves (without knocking the other person down) (annikahodgson.wordpress.com)
- The Complete Guide to Understanding Your Emotions (psychologytoday.com)